Learning From Suicide Grief

Finding a Way Forward

Andy and I at a party shortly before his passing.

Today, July 1st, would have been my friend Andy’s 35th birthday. He committed suicide on Thursday, September 28, 2017. We definitely had our ups and downs in our friendship, however overall he left me with some of the most beautiful memories of my life that I am so thankful for and will cherish for the rest of my life. It has been very difficult to process the grief I’ve been feeling for the last several months since his death. Since the recent suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, it seems that people are generally more open to talking about suicide and mental health matters in general, which I think is great because now I feel more comfortable in talking about how Andy’s suicide has affected me. I was recently having dinner with friends and we talked about the importance of consciously taking care of our mental health – whatever that means for each of us. For me, it’s always been writing. If I can put in writing what I’m feeling, then I can get it all out and have a sense of relief from the tormenting emotions that I feel inside. With Andy’s suicide, I think there have been a few very important things for me to learn:

Resilience

I learned very much about Andy over the three years we were friends. I learned even more after his death from several of his friends. I had an incredible hunger to know as much as I could, which I thought would help me answer so many questions I had. I spent a lot of time thinking about his various personality traits, behavior patterns and things that he said to me – things that I said to him – and so many other things that kept playing in my head like a movie on repeat. I felt the need to talk about all these things and analyzing every detail. My parents have been the ones who have listened to me the most and I definitely feel closer to them as a result of me opening up to them so much. One day that I was talking to my dad, he told me “listen to me. I’m going to tell you a story.” He told me his story about how when he was 13 years old, his father was killed as they were working together in the fields in their little village in Mexico. I knew that his father had been killed when he was very young, but I didn’t know all the details. My dad is now 68 years old. His father’s death happened 55 years ago in 1963 – he recounted the story to me in such detail as if it had happened yesterday. My father has carried this experience of his father’s death his entire life – and has been able to accomplish so much in his life. I am extremely proud of my father and I love him so much. He made me think that if he was able to still move on with his life – have a loving partner, my mother, and a loving family and be happy – then I can too. He gave me hope. I can move on with my own life after this too. Both of my parents have been through very much. They are extremely resilient people who have taken everything that life has given them – and they have moved on. I can’t continue to feel stuck and paralyzed in this grief. I feel as though I have to move on too and know that I am now a stronger more resilient person because of it.

Opening Up Honestly and Connecting

Talking to my parents about Andy has definitely brought us closer together in ways that I never thought about because they had never shared certain experiences with me before. I also feel closer to the friends who have been there for me and listened to me. I’ve realized it’s really up to me to cultivate those connections and to try harder because ultimately it will be worthwhile. I’ve learned more about the struggles that my family and friends have gone through and our bond is now stronger because we’ve had the opportunity to exchange our sorrows. We don’t have to experience our struggles alone if we can only open up honestly to those we love, we will realize that all our struggles are really the same. What matters is that we are there for each other. I still continue to think, if only Andy had opened up to me about what he was feeling, I could have been there for him, helped him and encourage him. He didn’t have to end his life.

Trying New Things in an Effort to Make Important Life Changes

Andy was a lawyer. It seemed to me that he was fine with his career. Whenever we would meet new people in social situations and he was asked what he did for a living, he would confidently and proudly say, “I’m a lawyer.” In our intimate conversations however he would tell me how much he hated his job. On Sundays, he would frequently say that he had “the Sunday blues” because he didn’t want to go to work the next day. I learned from a friend of his after his death that he felt like a failure because he had peers who were already partners at their law firms and he felt stuck in a low-level job and that he really didn’t want to be a lawyer. I think many of us have gone through stages in our lives when we have failed. I certainly feel like a failure sometimes and I know that I have to keep trying and be open to trying new things. In reading Andy’s final words, it definitely seemed like he saw no other way out for himself. He was extremely intelligent and I’m sure that with the right guidance and encouragement he could have transitioned into a more fulfilling career. I realize it’s easier said than done and I think it’s important to realize that our lives really depend on our ability to make those important changes in our lives. For me specifically, I think about how I want to make a career transition into writing. I don’t know how but I feel encouraged by my family and friends to share more of my writing and to have faith in myself that I can start making this change in my own life.

Sometimes I find myself thinking, how selfish and improper of me to share so much about Andy – things that most people may perhaps keep private. It is a decision I have made because of three reasons. First, I don’t want to continue living with these emotions that I have inside and feeling like I keep carrying them around. Telling people about it and writing about it helps me get it out. Secondly I believe truly that it is for a greater good – that we can all learn something from Andy’s suicide and be better human beings because of it. Lastly, I desire that he be remembered. I desire that he be remembered because he was a beautiful, amazing person who really touched my life in a very beautiful and meaningful way. I will always remember him.

I first met Andy on Jack’d, the gay dating app, around March 2014. This was one of his profile pictures. I remember thinking, what a handsome, polished, intelligent looking guy.

This is one the first pictures I have with Andy, taken on August 8, 2015 at the End Up for the twice monthly ShangriLa SF event, which we would go to frequently. Andy definitely enjoyed his Grey Goose vodka very much.