Prepararing for Ayahuasca – Setting the Intention
That I may feel healed – that I may share what I learn and that I may be my truth.
Me meditating on my roof deck in San Francisco recently.
Oprah recently said in her speech at the 75th Annual Golden Globes, “Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.” I was truly in awe from all of her speech, however that statement resonated profoundly with me – “Speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have.” In contemplating that statement further, I thought – being your truth is the most empowering action we can all take. I think being ones truth really has to come from feeling empowered – which can be extremely difficult and painful. A friend of mine committed suicide last year – and ever since I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him. One of the conclusions I have come to is that I sincerely believe that he was unable to speak his truth – and much less able to be his truth – for whatever reasons, that I may never know. I imagine that it has to be extremely painful to feel this way – so painful that he decided to end his life in order to end his pain. What I’ve come to know for sure is that I have to speak my truth – I have to be my truth as much as I possibly can – my life depends on it. Then I think about how can I be my truth? I think I definitely have a lot of fear around truly being my truth. Then I think – how can I overcome my fear? That brings me to Ayahuasca and why I have decided to do an Ayahuasca retreat in Peru in the middle of the Amazon jungle – which truly terrifies me. In all of my research so far on Aylahuasca, I’ve determined that the most important thing is setting an intention – so then I am asking myself what will be my intention?
I first learned about Ayahuasca while listening to an old episode of the Tim Ferriss Show podcast titled Are Psychedelic Drugs the Next Medical Breakthrough. It was very interesting, but I was not interested in actually doing Ayahuasca myself. After a few weeks, I learned more about it from a coworker of mine who leads a lunchtime meditation group at work. He said something about how Ayahuasca is extremely healing and that it helps people achieve a higher state of consciousness. Although it seemed appealing, I didn’t feel ready to try something so extreme – going to the middle of the Amazon jungle to have a psychedelic experience. Later that day on Tuesday, January 9, I was chatting with a friend who told me he was going to Peru for an Ayahuasca retreat. It was so strange because I had just had a conversation about it with my coworker earlier that day. After asking him several questions about it, I asked if I could join him and his friend and he said yes, so I checked the retreat center website to make sure there was still an opening for me to take and there was, so I quickly signed up, and booked my flight the next morning. My friend told me he couldn’t believe I signed up for it and I couldn’t believe it either because I never commit to things so quickly – however something about it felt right for me. Ever since I committed to participating, I’ve been doing a lot of research about Ayahuasca – about the strict diet, the meditating and about trying to calm down ones life. As I prepare myself for the experience I’ve realized that besides all that other stuff, the most important thing I can do is to go with the right intention.
My friend’s suicide last year was truly the most traumatic experience of my life. I have been feeling a certain emotional uneasiness and unrest since it happened. It truly shook me to my core – in my soul – in a way that is difficult to describe. When I look back on my life, I can divide it in two sections – the first before his suicide – the second after his suicide. It truly changed me. I feel the need to talk about and write about how I feel changed. I can’t keep it a secret. I have tried and it seems that the more I try to forget about him the more I am reminded of him. I was recently listening to a podcast on NPR – about the weight of the secrets we keep and the toll that it takes on people’s lives. I’ve learned that I cannot carry the weight of Andy’s suicide – I cannot because he meant something to me – he was very significant to me – I feel the need to allow his death to be transformative to me and to anyone else who knew him including his family and friends. I think that all of us who knew him have to transform because I see no other way. We can’t carry the burden trying to keep my experience quiet. I truly believe that if we tried to keep it a secret, it would only be to our own detriment. I decided that my intention for doing this Ayahuasca retreat is that I may feel healed – that I may share what I learn, and that I may speak my truth and be my truth.
