Ayahuasca Visions: Tiger Fantasies & Lessons in Self-Love

Reflections on a recent ayahuasca retreat in Peru

I was trying to find an image that depicted my tiger hallucination and I think this is a pretty good representation, which I came across on www.simplywallpapers.com . 

I was in a dense, lush forest. I saw a tiger in the distance – about 100 feet away. At first I was afraid, and then it slowly began to approach me. As he got closer and closer to me, he was becoming younger and smaller and less threatening. I could feel my fear dissipating. By the time he got right next to me, he was this small, cute, cuddly baby tiger cub. I could feel his pure loving, innocent energy. Then suddenly a lightning bolt from the sky struck me – as if with tiger energy or a tiger spirit – and I turned into a baby tiger cub myself. I felt odd in this new tiger body. But then I started to play with this friendly tiger cub. He was so beautiful and lovable. Then, I asked myself, “Is this Andy?” He then hit me over the head with his paw and I realized it was Andy’s spirit appearing to me as this cute, cuddly, baby tiger cub. I was so incredibly happy and filled with such indescribable joy unlike anything I’ve ever known. We just played and cuddled each other – enjoying each other like there was nothing else – no one else in the entire universe – just the two of us enjoying each other. I had the greatest time of my life.

The experience I describe above was one of the several hallucinations I had while high on ayahuasca. In his book, The Ayahuasca Test Pilots Handbook, Chris Kilham describes how the plant spirits of the brew “work on us with superior intelligence, establishing balance where there is chaos, harmony where there is disorder, peace where there is great disturbance, joy where there is great sorrow. The spirits root out dark matter, open energy channels, heal deep wounds, and fill you with clean, high energy.” I read this after my ayahuasca retreat and it truly resonated with me because I felt that was exactly what it did for me. Others say that upon drinking ayahuasca, one gains entry into the sprit world. For me, it was definitely unlike anything I have ever experience. As part of a 3-day retreat at the Peru-based Etnikas Ayahuasca Retreats, we drank ayahuasca on two nights. I had extremely vivid hallucinations on both nights. The most difficult part about drinking ayahuasca is the initial purge, which involves dramatic and violent diarrhea and vomiting that occurs in the first one or two hours after initially drinking it. After that however – it was like riding a rollercoaster of various hallucinations and visions that I have only started to try to make sense out of and interpret. I’m frequently asked, is it safe to drink ayahuasca? There is a lot of misleading information on the internet – I think it is safe under safe conditions with people who know what they’re doing. In this retreat there were ten of us participants and a staff of six people helping us: the shaman, the priestess, a medical doctor, a psychologist, a nurse and a coordinator. They were all very attentive to all of us, so I felt very safe and well cared for.

I had several hallucinations about my friend Andy, who passed away last September. His sudden death has definitely been the most traumatic experience of my life – largely because the manner of his death was self-inflicted. During my ayahuasca high, I feel as though I gained insights about him and his life that helped answer a lot of questions I had about his decision to take his own life. I asked myself, could these visions be true? Perhaps they were simply creations in my own mind – or perhaps I really did enter the spirit world and made meaningful contact with Andy’s spirit. Either way – I think I came away with having gained several important lessons whereby I can now better move on with my own life feeling wiser and more knowledgeable. When I shared my tiger vision with the other participants in our group discussion the morning after, the shaman told me I needed that vision so that I could be healed – by me healing myself, I would also be healing Andy’s spirit – and that perhaps in a past life or future life Andy and I were tiger brothers and I had the opportunity to spend some time playing with him in my hallucination. This really resonated with me because growing up, I felt like I always wanted a brother. I have two sisters who I love with all my heart – however I always felt like I was missing a brother. In my friendship with Andy – I felt like I loved him very much as a friend and as I got to know him more, my love for him became stronger - not so much as a brother, but more than a friend. After the shaman told me this, I felt a strong need to talk to the psychologist privately about what the shaman said to me and how it made me feel. He said I needed to focus on self-love because no one will ever love me the way that I desire to be loved – not a brother, not a lover, not a boyfriend, not a father – no one. I first need to love myself and accept myself completely as I am. It was very difficult for me to hear this because I feel like I’ve never really loved myself – however I am working on changing that now going forward.

Andy and I would frequently get together for brunch and always had such a fun time. 

Andy liked to make these funny faces and I'd have to ask him to please just smile like a normal person LOL... 

In our group discussions, we referred to the ayahuasca brew as mother ayahuasca. Our shaman said that she, mother ayahuasca, communicates with us in symbolic ways that will allow us to heal from whatever traumas we’ve suffered from and continue to suffer from. We drank the brew on two nights – the first night my high lasted for about three hours and the second night about five hours. I would say that the combined number of distinct visions that I had was perhaps around 50 or so. They all involved emotional experiences with certain people – people who have been in my life in my past, current people and perhaps people who will come into my life in the future that I have yet to meet. I’ve always had a sense that I am a very emotional person in my interaction with people in my life. My emotions definitely rule my sense of self – like logic and rationality have nothing to offer me. I believe I became more aware of my emotions by drinking ayahuasca. It was truly a very emotional experience – some parts were extremely turbulent like a very fast, violent emotional rollercoaster – other parts like a calm, serene stroll on a beautiful beach. I feel as though I relived several of the most emotional experiences of my life – experiences of either great sorrow or great joy. Overall, in my 3-day ayahuasca retreat experience, I came away with a deeper sense of myself — a great desire to really get to know myself on a much deeper level. I think one way of really connecting with myself is by connecting more with nature – being in nature. When I’m in nature, I feel I am best able to connect with myself and love myself. It feels strange for me to say that – love myself. When I told a friend about this he said, “well all hate ourselves. We’re always trying to fix things about ourselves because we believe we are not enough.” I think this is true and now that I have this realization of how harmful it is to not love myself, I have a serious sense of obligation and responsibility to really love myself and accept myself just as I am.

When I came back to San Francisco after my retreat, a lot of friends asked me about my experience. It is very difficult to briefly put into words what I experienced – besides saying it was “very intense.” I’ve read that a lot of people describe it as a near-death experience because drinking ayahuasca enables you to experience your own death. I don’t think I experienced death, but I did feel like a dramatic ascension of my spirit rising out of my body to travel somewhere far away to the spirit world or perhaps another time-space dimension – in order to experience the hallucinations that I had. After the second night of drinking ayahuasca, once I had come down from my high, back into my body, the nurse, Luz was her name, helped me to the kitchen to eat my soup – I had this feeling of like – how odd to be back in this big body – my body felt enormous – like I was a giant. I would look at my large hands in amazement – then my arms and the rest of my body – thinking what a large, heavy body I have – but then I realized a great sense of appreciation for having this body – and that I had a responsibility to take care of my body and nourish myself well – not only my physical body, but also my soul and mind – then I continued eating my soup.

Friends also ask me why I wanted to drink ayahuasca – what motivated me to travel thousands of miles to the Peruvian Andes to have this experience. Usually, I will briefly say that I wanted a spiritual experience – I wanted to somehow feel more fulfilled. Ever since Andy passed away, I felt a certain emptiness – like something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. I felt emotionally disoriented – as if my world as I knew it turned upside-down. I would talk to my family, friends and three different psychologists. Logically, I knew I should be fine, but I wasn’t fine. It wasn’t until a friend told me he was going to Peru for an ayahuasca retreat with another friend. I thought – this sounds exactly like what I need – a deep healing, spiritual experience. So I joined them and ended up having an incredibly amazing experience. I think the greatest lesson I took away from the retreat is the importance of self-love and to always have a deep sense of gratitude for my life – all that I have experienced – all that I have learned – and most of all everyone in my life – including Andy and all that I experienced because of him. Although he is no longer in my life, I am so grateful for having known him and he will always have a very special place in my heart. Additionally, I need to forgive myself, accept myself and most importantly love myself.

Writing about our visions. 

Coca leaf ceremony. 

We placed all our wishes and intentions into this pouch that Atcuna, the Andean priestess, made out of various materials - and was then burned. 

Cam, Howie and me after the final ceremony. 

Back row from left: Marc, Carmen, Ashley, Howie, Juan, John, Jessica, Daryl (psychologist), Cam. Front row: Nimrod (coordinator), Atcuna (Andean priestess), Philip, Master Elias (shaman).